More Righter Than I Knew

Earlier this year, I was honored to be a guest contributor on an outstanding and not-at-all-cynical blog, Things I Don't Support, in order to properly frame and defend the disgust that the majority of knowledgeable sports fans have with the game of soccer.

In that post, I half-jokingly referred to soccer's handball penalty as being founded on a belief that the use of hands in a sport was morally reprehensible. Of course, at the time, I no more thought the handball penalty had an actual moral component than the personal foul in basketball, or the holding call in football (real football).

However, it appears that my assessment of the rationale behind the penalty was more accurate than even I could have imagined. In case you missed it (and, believe me, I would have had it not been for a close friend violating a firm rule I have about never forcing me to learn anything new about soccer), FIFA, the game's Grand Inquisitor ... er ... governing body, has decided that the famous uncalled handball by Frenchman and, by default, enormous pussy, Thierry Henry may very well deserve sanctioning. The crazy part (other than the fact that I'm spending time thinking about soccer) is that it wouldn't even be unprecedented!

Why, you may ask (and if you aren't, stop reading), is disciplinary action necessary because of a mere violation of the rules? After all, no one thought Derek Jeter deserved to miss a World Series game after Jeffrey Maier nabbed his impending flyout and Jeter took official credit for the longball, nonetheless. Nor was there public outcry when Michael Jordan refused to tell the ref, "I'm sorry, I pushed him. Please take away the points."

Soccer, though, lives by a different, nonsensical, set of rules (as I've already clearly established). FIFA cited Henry's "blatant unfair playing" as the potential grounds for suspension. Never mind that officials are there to, ya know, officiate the game and make sure these things don't happen. Apparently, in soccer, the refs are there simply as backup. I was completely unaware that this ridiculous "sport" expects its players to live under the "call your own" rules of the playground. This is just another reason why Americans will, I hope at least, never accept soccer as a legitimate major sport. We understand that certain actors in sports have defined roles. Players play. Officials officiate. Mixing the two is not only unnecessary, but unreasonable.

Is there anything more stupifying than the game with the world's most barbaric fans (rather than hyperlink here, how about we all agree to simply Google "crazy soccer fans" or just "soccer fans," since the first is redundant) still considering itself such a "gentleman's game" that players are expected to out themselves when they've committed a penalty?

Well, maybe so, but you get my point.

A Conflicted Fan's Guide to the 2009 World Series

If you're like me, you're tall and unathletic. More to the point, if you're like me, you're conflicted about the 2009 World Series.

As a Braves fan, I have no team to cheer for this year. Also, as a Braves fan, I hate both of these teams thoroughly enough that I can't justify rooting for either one. I've tried to imagine myself cheering a Jimmy Rollins sparkling defensive play, a Derek Jeter opposite field double, a Ryan Howard upper decker, or an Alex Rodriguez self-kiss in the mirror. None of these seem plausible (although I do cheer the hilarity inspired by the latter). Each brings a sickening feeling to my stomach. While I would love witnessing the despair on a Yankee fan's face if Rivera was to blow a save, I would equally loathe watching Phils' fans rejoice as Victorino crossed with the winning run.

It's with that backdrop that I've been considering my options over these last couple of days. I've thought about flipping a coin and just rooting wholeheartedly for one team, but the aforementioned consequences would prevent me from genuinely doing that. I've considered boycotting the series entirely, but my enjoyment of baseball drama just won't let me. I finally settled on just watching the Series and seeing if my inner-fan swayed me one way or the other, but I still had an uneasiness about what I would do to remain invested if I simply couldn't bring myself to root for either the Yankees or the Phillies.

Then an interesting thing happened. I discovered that I'm not alone in my quandary. Each of these teams is apparently hateable enough (and to enough significant fan bases), that there are plenty of avid baseball fans out there who share my dilemma. Yet, no one seems to have a solution.

So, I decided to take it upon myself. After careful thought and meticulous revision (read: came up with on the can), Southern Aggression is proud to present "A Conflicted Fan's Guide to the 2009 World Series."

Basically, this boils down to a series of suggested activities to keep you invested in a series where you want both teams to lose, but have finally admitted to yourself that that just can't happen.

Step 1: World Series Drinking Game

I know, I know, not that original. But think, it's not like you want to remember these games past the 4th inning, anyway. You're going to be depressed no matter the outcome. Why handle that depression sober? For your drinking pleasure, I've gone ahead and compiled a list of rules, but feel free to add your own.

Pregame Rules: Take one drink for each of the following:
- number of inches Eric Karros' hair adds to his height (prediction: 3 ... unless he's sprucing it up for the Series, in which case I say 5, but all bets are off)
- each time Mark Grace uses clubhouse slang, to not a single viewer's benefit (extra drink if he butchers the slang because he can't include the corresponding expletives and isn't capable of adjusting on the fly)
- each time Chris Rose pumps the "Best Damn Sports Show, Period" (extra drink if he arrogantly shortens it to "Best Damn," as though it's ingrained in the American sports lexicon enough for that)

Game Production Rules: Take one drink for each of the following:
- shots of Minka Kelly
- shots of Kate Hudson (2 extra drinks for split screen of Kelly and Hudson ... which sounds like a formidable double play combo when you think about it)
- each time McCarver compares Jeter to someone in a different sport who has a "knack for the ball"
- each time McCarver takes 3 sentences to say something everyone already knew
- each time McCarver utters a ridiculous line that he clearly scripted beforehand (you know what, just drink everytime McCarver talks, it'll be better that way)
- Hardcore: each time Fox uses music better suited for a presidential inauguration (only for those with a high tolerance, as this happens in and out of every commercial break)

Gameplay Rules: Two drinks for each of the following:
- Johnny Damon home runs (as they should not still be happening)
- Ryan Howard intentional walks (as they should be happening much more)
- Hardcore: Pitching changes by Girardi

Special Rules:
- 3 drinks for every pie in the face given by Burnett or Swisher
- 3 drinks for every close-up of Ryan Howard (you'll need it)
- 3 drinks for every Cleveland Indians reference in Game 1 (5 if you're a Tribe fan)
- 3 drinks for every Brett Myers outing that lasts less than 2/3 of an inning (and a petition to Philly cops to station a patrol car outside the Myers residence)

Step 2: Start a Texting War ... That You Win!

This one, too, is pretty straight forward. Simply send taunting texts to both your Phillies and Yankees fan friends every time something bad happens to their team. So when Texeira pops out with runners on 2nd and 3rd, send your Yankee fan friend something along the lines of, "It's understandable. $23 million is just for the REGULAR season." Or, when Utley throws another ball in the stands, send "I don't care what they're paying you, you can't expect a guy to stand in their when Robinson Cano is bearing down on you."

The beauty is this. No matter what team wins, you win. When Friend A's team loses, you've been an integral part of his misery. And when Friend B's team wins, and he responds with a snarky comment of his own, you can simply respond, "Hey, I'm fine with this. I hate [Team A's team] anyway." You'll almost be able to feel the diminishing satisfaction he got from his gloating text. No matter what, you come out on top.

(One last text suggestion. Anytime Rivera enters the game, simply text the names of various 2001 Diamondbacks. You're crazy if you don't think a well-timed "Tony Womack" or "Luis Gonzalez" will send a chill up the spine of any Yankee fan).

Step 3: Cheer for the Umpires

And by cheer for the umpires, I mean cheer for them to keep up the level of umpiring that has graced the postseason to this point. Unfortunately for all of us disinterested fans, Tim McClelland and C.B. Bucknor will not be a part of the crew calling this year's Series. Their performances in the ALCS and the ALDS, respectively, earned each of them a seat on the couch for the Fall Classic.

Why should you cheer for umpiring mistakes, you ask? It's simple. What better way to further sour a loss for fans of a team you hate than a significantly contributing blown call? As the fan of teams that were victim to not one, but two historic officiating blunders, I can tell you that they only serve to worsen the pain (1997 NLCS Game 5 - Eric Gregg, God curse his soul, and the 2006 NBA Finals - Bennett Salvatore ... or Pat Riley, not sure who was actually making the calls).

It's one thing for your team to lose because the other team was better. It's entirely another to have your team lose because the supposed bipartisan arbitrator of the game decided to screw you over, personally, out of a deep rooted hatred for you and your entire family (I'm pretty sure that's what happens). You just can't get over it as easily. The '98 Padres kicked our ass. Fine. But the '97 Marlins, and the ever-bloating, and apparently financially unstable, Livan Hernandez waltzed their way to a World Series spot thanks in large part to a strike zone that extended to the first row.

It's just a lot harder to forget when it was someone other than your team screwing the pooch that led to your misery. And isn't this how we want fans of teams we hate feeling? If your answer isn't yes, you don't hate your sports enemy enough, which means you don't love your team enough, which means you're probably a Cubs fan.

Step 4: If Steps 1-3 Don't Work...

Watch the NBA. Tip off tomorrow night. Go Mavs!!

Ain't nothin' a little cash can't fix

Say what you want about Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry and Calvin Murphy; they at least had the decency to realize a multi-million dollar salary might provide an adequate opportunity to support a child.

Rick Pitino came to no such conclusion. After knocking up a girl he obviously wasn't married to (who has sex with their wife anymore?), and discovering her pregnancy, he volunteered the 3 G's it apparently takes these days to remove those pesky little consequences known as children that often follow from rampant sexual behavior.

Look, I know there are two sides to the abortion debate, and you can probably tell which side I'm on (in case there's any confusion, I'm a southern, conservative Christian who is generally happy to have been born and supports others being allowed a similar experience - you can do the math from here). But I'm also not blind to circumstances that make this choice a truly difficult and, perhaps at times, necessary one.

Regardless... no, wait.... IRregardless, I think we, as a society, can agree that fewer abortions are probably better, and if promises made to popes are to be believed (I'm Protestant, so I wouldn't know), then our President does, too. Hell, even if you're Justice Ginsburg, I don't think Rick Pitino's child falls into the population that "we" want less of.

Rick Pitino has all the resources imaginable to have given this child an upbringing and a start in life that only a privileged few in our country have the chance at. He is taking life into his own hands not because someone's health is at risk or because a woman was made, by threat, force or illegal coercion, to engage in sexual behavior. No, Pitino made this choice because it was, he thought at least, an easy way to avoid what would become the documented, public and breathing results from a stupid mistake.

Proud day for he and his family.... and any Cardinals fan that continues to cheer for him.

Show me the Money! Part II

So the sports leagues and the embarrassingly hypocritical NCAA are trying to block legislation put forth by my favorite Democrat, Delaware Governor Jack Markell, to legalize single-game sports betting at Delaware casinos. The leagues and the NCAA cite the "compromises honest competition" gripe as their reason for opposing gambling. Are they serious with that?


"There are so many unsavory characters out there. Good thing gambling on sports is illegal, otherwise these guys might be coming after our athletes, trying to get them to fix games. Thankfully, there's no alternative to legal sports gambling. Afterall, if you're willing to throw down thousands of money on the outcome of a game, you're probably only going to do it if you can file the winnings on a tax return."

Leagues, NCAA, do us all a favor and stop pretending that you have any motivation other than being the sole entities that benefit financially from your product. Just be content with your massive profits (which would only increase if sports gambling were opened to that small segment of the public who's only willing to gamble legally), and let me go to a sportsbook in Delaware. (Note: I have no intention of ever going to Delaware)

My thoughts on the legality of online gambling will have to wait for another day... and after I place my college football futures.

News and Notes...

-My prediction skills are outstanding. Notice that I made the poll to the right, and the Adam Jones option, before the All-Star Game. We here at SA would like to pass our congratulations to Angelos & Co. for the Orioles' biggest impact on October since Jeffrey Maier punked Tony Tarasco

- I think the Vikings should do us all a favor and have a 3-way steel cage wrestling match between Brett Favre, Tavaris Jackson, and Sage Rosenfels to decide who will be the starting quarterback.

- Then I think Michael Vick should run in from backstage as "Who Let the Dogs Out" plays

- Is watching this really going to be that much better than significantly cheaper - and much more legal - porn?

- The Braves retired Greg Maddux's number this week. Best clean pitcher of our generation. Not taking arguments. Only question for debate - is he the best righthander in history?

- A 59-year old was an 8-footer away from winning the British Open. We can all officially stop considering golf a real sport. Entertaining? Sure. Great way to spend a Sunday? No question. Sport? Hardly.

- I was genuinely depressed about the Mavericks missing out on a big Polish guy... The NBA... where desperation happens!

- I wish the Braves had a forced retirement policy in place. Something along the lines of, "When your sidearming setup man returns from elbow surgery, and you let him lead all of baseball in appearances, you must retire... and you're not getting a pension."

- Who all is with me in supporting a Hall of Fame nomination for Papa Molina? Or did he just get drunk before every game of catch and threaten corporal punishment if they missed any of his errant throws?

- Somehow, someway, in some distant galaxy, I presume, this happened. I know it's from a while back, but I still need someone to tell me what to think.

Show me the Money! ..... and the craps table!

If you made over $100 million in just under 15 years, what are the chances you’d be broke at the end of that period?

If your name is Antoine Walker, the chances are 1 in 1.

This guy owes nearly $1 million in gambling debt to a various casinos after he passed 10 bad checks, each for $100k. What this says is that either the guy 1) didn’t save one of the over one hundred million that he earned, or 2) forgot which bank he kept most of his money in, and wrote the checks on the account he uses to purchase his Lean Cuisines.

Why does this happen?

Latrell Sprewell wasn’t lying when he told us he needed more money to feed his family. Dude was broke. Antoine Walker can’t cover a $1 million gambling spree. Mike Tyson has to film cameos in bad movies to stay afloat (yeah, I said it). Lenny Dykstra has to start an investment scam… and not even that worked.

Is it having to deal with all the hangers-on?
Is it the desire to keep up with the Joneses? (hopefully not the Pacman Joneses)
Is it the ever-increasing cost of a good ol’ fashion hooker- and cocaine-filled weekend on The Strip?

All kidding aside, wouldn’t a simple solution just be for the leagues to employ financial advisors to meet with athletes upon entering the league? I’m sure they already have some sort of orientation process (and if they don’t, they certainly should). Why would it be so hard simply to have guys meet with some people who actually know what the hell to do with $20 million?

In today’s environment, every prominent professional athlete should be able to, if he so chooses, provide financial security for his grandchildren. There’s just no excuse for these guys going bankrupt.

And I’m all about personal accountability. I think nearly all of the blame lies directly on the shoulder of the athlete. Still, though, it seems like there are simple solutions right in front of our faces.

This time Ben Zobrist counts!!

The MLB All-Star Game, as currently constructed, is the most nonsensical in sports.

I don't understand why everyone can't be satisfied understanding that this game is an exhibition. There is no reason for it to have anything near the sort of impact of deciding home field advantage in the World Series. It should serve the same function it was designed to serve: give the players a little rest and give the fans a game featuring the best players in baseball. Nothing more.

Obviously, the catalyst to all this was the catastrophe that was the 11-inning tie in 2002, made possible by the collective choices of Joe Torre and Bob Brenly to use every player by the end of the 11th inning. Impressively, neither manager (each with a World Series victory on his resume) managed to consider the possibility of a game that would go into more than two extra innings (despite the indications of these performances, 12+ inning games happen... often... like, several times a season). And because of the unreasonable risk of letting a professional athlete pitch more than two innings, Bud Selig consented to the managers' wishes and allowed a tie at the end of 11 innings. The biggest travesty was that an MVP was not awarded. Clearly, Idiocy was robbed.

Growing apathy turned into overt rage over the state of the All-Star Game. It's understandable, then, why Selig and others in the MLB community decided to make a change to the Mid-Summer Classic. However, in classic MLB decision-making fashion, they missed the mark.

The problem was not (and never has been, and never will be) that the result of the game did not have any lasting impact. This was the case for years, and MLB had held the "Best All-Star Game" status among the major sports since its inception. What changed was not only how the game was being played, but namely, by who.

(Also worth noting, general apathy toward baseball was rising, due both to the increased popularity of the NFL and fans' disgust over the steroid controversy)

See, in the heyday of the All-Star Game, the starting players played the entire game. Considering the starters were typically the best among the All-Stars, this meant that the exhibition mirrored the regular season games in that the best position players were going to be out there during the game's final innings, unless a particular situation called for a reserve. This format inspired some great games and performances (See: Pete Rose vs. Ray Fosse's shoulder).

Then, sometime in the 90s, managers decided contemporary T-Ball leagues had it right. They decided, rather than let the best players fight it out over the course of 9 innings, the "everybody gets an inning" process would be better. This stance was justified, most frequently, by touting the value of letting everyone deserving of an All-Star selection take part in at least a portion of the game.

This always bothered me. Who were we helping?

The fans? Certainly not... they voted in the starters
The players? It doesn't really change someone's life if they get to say, "Little Johnny, you might not know this, but back in '96, your ol' grandad played one inning alongside Brady Anderson... I'll never forget that moment."
Major League Baseball? Again, the league benefits from more exposure to its stars... not more exposure to the mandatory Pirates representative (hiding from Jack Wilson).

The only entities to benefit from this approach were the teams. With this substitution patter, their star players (and, typically, huge financial investments) were exposed to 5-7 fewer innings of risk. Rather than have Alex Rodriguez have 4 or 5 at-bats, the Rangers only had to cross their fingers and chew their nails for 3 innings as their $250 million man went about his business in a game that didn't matter. Afterall, Tom Hicks was paying A-Rod to hit help them win a World Series... and performing well in the All-Star Game had nothing to do with that.

So while I can understand MLB wanting to do something to fix the All-Star Game, and I understand why teams put pressure on All-Star managers to limit playing time, what I can't understand is how MLB glosses over the enormous problem created by each of these desires being satisfied.

The Game matters now because it decides home field advantage. But the Game still doesn't matter because all the starters are taken out after the 3rd inning. Imagine a Yankees-Red Sox series where A-Rod, Youkilis, Jeter and Ortiz sat out the last 6 innings. Would anyone watch that? How about a Week 8 game where Peyton Manning and Tom Brady sat on the sidelines for the 3rd and 4th quarters?

More importantly, would anyone really believe we had just seen a legitimate result? Could Francona and..... Girardi (that took a bit) really look the fans in the eye and tell them they did everything they could to win the ballgame?

Of course not.

And yet, when Ben Zobrist knocks in Brandon Inge in the top of the 9th, then Brian Fuentes finishes off the NL 2-3-4 hitters (by that time, Hudson-Hawpe-Pence), MLB will do just that by awarding home field advantage to the winning league.

A few quick thoughts on the Jeff Francoeur trade....

He brought the organization a lot of joy from mid-2005 through the end of 2006.

He brought the organization nothing but frustration for the last year and a half.

He screwed himself when he refused to sign an extension after the '06 season for money similar to what McCann got. If anyone is willing to give him more than $3 mil per after this year, he should count himself one fortunate son of a bitch.

I'm very excited about the Ryan Church era in Atlanta

Namely, what the Francoeur experience did for me was further cement a long held belief that prospects should be willingly dealt for an established player in almost any circumstance. When I think of the sort of return the Braves could've gotten from packaging Francoeur and Kyle Davies circa 2004, it makes me cry a little. For all the trades that come back to bite a team in the ass because of a player's development, there are 5 players like Francoeur (who admittedly still has time to develop) who would've maximized their value to their first organization in the form of a trade before they ever reach the bigs. With Jordan Schafer most likely sitting out the rest of this season, I can't help but fear that I'll be having these same thoughts when we deal him mid-season for a situational lefty in 2012.

Welcome to Southern Aggression

Why write a blog? Well, two reasons…

Firstly, I’ve got entirely too many thoughts that the public is being deprived of. There’s no reason I need to wait until the end of law school to start having the inevitable long-lasting impact I’m going to have on this world. Might as well start here.

Secondly, as just demonstrated, I have a huge ego to stroke.

Why is it Southern Aggression?

For one, I just like the name… and that’s reason enough.

More concretely, though. I am a southerner. I talk like one, I eat like one, I pray like one and, let’s be honest, I vote like one. I’m also a law student, which makes me aggressive, by nature (not physically aggressive, mind you… attend one Con Law class and you’ll realize we’re not an imposing bunch). Discourse, particularly of the argumentative type, on various subjects is a significant source of entertainment for me.

We’ll cover a number of topics on this blog, ranging (in order of importance) from sports (NBA and MLB, mainly... especially concerning the Braves and Mavs) to movies to politics, with a particular emphasis on Mississippi politics. I’m not shy about where I stand on things, or about saying when I just don't know.

I am all about getting feedback, both because it lets me know people are paying attention (again, ego) and it’s typically beneficial to a discussion. Feel free to let me know what's up, or provide a link to your blog as long as it's pertinent to the discussion

Hopefully this will become a place you look to for interesting, occasionally humorous pontifications on particular (often timely) subjects. Thanks for visiting. And, as I will end every post before inevitable elimination in early September…. Go Braves!!