America loses, I win

I wrote nearly this exact diatribe about a year ago for a blog much more relevant than the one it exists on now. Unfortunately, the editor of that blog decided, for reasons unclear to sensible people, to remove much of the content, including this post. In honor of the World Cup finale tomorrow, I have decided to re-post it here, with minor changes. Enjoy ... and long live baseball.


Is there anything worse than the large portions of America that, once every couple of years (but with alarmingly growing frequency) act like soccer actually matters? Well, if you're the author of an incredibly infrequently updated blog like, say, the one you're reading ... then no. Why do you hate soccer so much, someone who's not paying attention might ask? Well, let me tell you.

I hate soccer because it's a "sport" that makes no sense. 99% of the game is spent with roughly a .000001% chance of scoring on any given possession. Apparently, the founders of soccer thought this would be offset nicely, and not at all abruptly, by the institution of the penalty kick - a situation where there's roughly a 90% chance of scoring. Middle grounds and compromises must not have been popular in mid-1800s Europe.

I also hate the fact that the founders seemed to find some moral ineptitude in utilizing 2 of the 5 most useful appendages on the male body (arms). This must be the case, otherwise there wouldn't be such stark penalties for touching the ball with your arms, or for touching others when the refs buy the embarrassing display that is the subsequent flop.

This leads me to one of the two most important reasons I hate soccer - it has caused significant and, I fear, irreparable harm to a real sport... basketball. See, the influx of European players has brought with them the intolerable, yet consistently successful, tendency of flopping. Vlade Divac was the first master of this cowardly art. While American-born players have picked up the trade, it's still being most despicably demonstrated by players who come from soccer-loving countries (see: Manu Ginobili - Argentina). The fact that a child's recreation that Europeans take seriously could actually influence a legitimate sport is repulsing, and it makes me embarrassed of my culture.

The second most important reason I don't support soccer is that it gives hipsters, yuppies, and the entire population of Portland one more avenue through which to turn their noses up to the rest of us. See, whenever the U.S. is doing well in a multi-national soccer event, the sports world in this country likes to throw soccer a bone and pretend it matters. This is spurred on by the aforementioned segments of the population once again trying (and, in this case, partly succeeding) to convince the American population that Europe is more culturally advanced. "Soccer is the most popular sport in the world," the hipster says, "Americans just aren't progressive enough to appreciate the game."

No. The rest of the world likes soccer because the three best sports haven't quite latched on there, namely because their inhabitants weren't smart enough to come up with them. Football, basketball, baseball. All were invented in America, and all are superior to soccer. The fact that other countries didn't invent them has, not surprisingly, prevented them from rightfully supplanting soccer as the more popular sports. This phenomenon is not unique to soccer, or even Europeans. Afterall, this nation still drinks Budweiser like it's water, despite the existence of far superior foreign beers.

So, all in all, soccer still isn't enough of a blip on the radar to really disturb my life. I'm still going to sleep soundly tonight knowing that, thanks to Ghana, this nation has once again forgotten about soccer and moved on to more grown-up activities, like Major League Baseball, NBA offseason movement, NFL pre-season, and drinking ourselves silly as we celebrated the birth of the greatest nation on Earth.

Rachel Getting Married

Boredom and annoyance, particularly when combined, lead to about 95% of the motivation for any blog post here at SA (The other 5% breaks down as follows: 2% self-adulation, 2% self-loathing, 1% gin). Since those powers combined tonight, I present you this brief review of the indie-tastic drama, Rachel Getting Married

(By the way, I know this movie came out over a year ago. Give me a break. I'm in law school, and I'm from Mississippi ... two good reasons to be a little behind).

Firstly, I must say that I'm really no fan of the Robert Altman-like, cinema verite, "tripods are for amateurs" style of cinematography. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't expect a feature film to have the look of being shot with cameramen plucked from my Intro to Broadcasting class. There were even a few scenes that were supposed to represent the perspective of the guy who was always filming everything on his consumer camera, and there was NO discernible difference between these shots and the others, other than lighting/contrast issues.

Also, I'm very pro interracial marriage (I hope to be party to one someday -- it's the only way my desired baby names will fly), but this ceremony was just ridiculous. A white-black marriage with an Indian theme, an Asian dance ritual, and featuring influences from at least 3 non-Western religious/spiritual movements. Is there any way an upper-middle class white woman, who's a doctor-to-be, can really be that Bohemian? Come on. My diversity lobe is exploding.

I'm not really sure why Anne Hathaway was nominated for awards for this performance. I didn't think there was anything special about the way she portrayed her character.

There were two scenes, in particular, where the writing and acting really pissed me off. The first was the first scene where we see Rachel and Kym ("You're not boxing me in, traditional spelling!") interact, when they're telling the story about their friend's stupid fantasy. The second was the "loading the dishwasher competition" scene. Both of these featured dialogue that was screaming to be believed, but just couldn't. "See, we're doing it how people normally interact .... right?" The problem is that this comes across every bit as forced and phony as the "I speak, you speak, and all in complete sentences" formula that plagues mainstream film and television.

To be fair, the film's probably worth a look. It provides a very real feeling of a family that has some serious issues, but does love one another, and that can be hard to find (but not for lack of trying). The scene where Rachel finally vents all her frustration with her just-out-of-rehab sister feels genuine.

Still, though, I can't help but think I just sat through a lecture on how films and progressive families are supposed to be. My response is the same as I gave an elderly man who recently told me he knew of a better way of tying shoes -- thanks, but I already got a handle on it.

More Righter Than I Knew

Earlier this year, I was honored to be a guest contributor on an outstanding and not-at-all-cynical blog, Things I Don't Support, in order to properly frame and defend the disgust that the majority of knowledgeable sports fans have with the game of soccer.

In that post, I half-jokingly referred to soccer's handball penalty as being founded on a belief that the use of hands in a sport was morally reprehensible. Of course, at the time, I no more thought the handball penalty had an actual moral component than the personal foul in basketball, or the holding call in football (real football).

However, it appears that my assessment of the rationale behind the penalty was more accurate than even I could have imagined. In case you missed it (and, believe me, I would have had it not been for a close friend violating a firm rule I have about never forcing me to learn anything new about soccer), FIFA, the game's Grand Inquisitor ... er ... governing body, has decided that the famous uncalled handball by Frenchman and, by default, enormous pussy, Thierry Henry may very well deserve sanctioning. The crazy part (other than the fact that I'm spending time thinking about soccer) is that it wouldn't even be unprecedented!

Why, you may ask (and if you aren't, stop reading), is disciplinary action necessary because of a mere violation of the rules? After all, no one thought Derek Jeter deserved to miss a World Series game after Jeffrey Maier nabbed his impending flyout and Jeter took official credit for the longball, nonetheless. Nor was there public outcry when Michael Jordan refused to tell the ref, "I'm sorry, I pushed him. Please take away the points."

Soccer, though, lives by a different, nonsensical, set of rules (as I've already clearly established). FIFA cited Henry's "blatant unfair playing" as the potential grounds for suspension. Never mind that officials are there to, ya know, officiate the game and make sure these things don't happen. Apparently, in soccer, the refs are there simply as backup. I was completely unaware that this ridiculous "sport" expects its players to live under the "call your own" rules of the playground. This is just another reason why Americans will, I hope at least, never accept soccer as a legitimate major sport. We understand that certain actors in sports have defined roles. Players play. Officials officiate. Mixing the two is not only unnecessary, but unreasonable.

Is there anything more stupifying than the game with the world's most barbaric fans (rather than hyperlink here, how about we all agree to simply Google "crazy soccer fans" or just "soccer fans," since the first is redundant) still considering itself such a "gentleman's game" that players are expected to out themselves when they've committed a penalty?

Well, maybe so, but you get my point.

A Conflicted Fan's Guide to the 2009 World Series

If you're like me, you're tall and unathletic. More to the point, if you're like me, you're conflicted about the 2009 World Series.

As a Braves fan, I have no team to cheer for this year. Also, as a Braves fan, I hate both of these teams thoroughly enough that I can't justify rooting for either one. I've tried to imagine myself cheering a Jimmy Rollins sparkling defensive play, a Derek Jeter opposite field double, a Ryan Howard upper decker, or an Alex Rodriguez self-kiss in the mirror. None of these seem plausible (although I do cheer the hilarity inspired by the latter). Each brings a sickening feeling to my stomach. While I would love witnessing the despair on a Yankee fan's face if Rivera was to blow a save, I would equally loathe watching Phils' fans rejoice as Victorino crossed with the winning run.

It's with that backdrop that I've been considering my options over these last couple of days. I've thought about flipping a coin and just rooting wholeheartedly for one team, but the aforementioned consequences would prevent me from genuinely doing that. I've considered boycotting the series entirely, but my enjoyment of baseball drama just won't let me. I finally settled on just watching the Series and seeing if my inner-fan swayed me one way or the other, but I still had an uneasiness about what I would do to remain invested if I simply couldn't bring myself to root for either the Yankees or the Phillies.

Then an interesting thing happened. I discovered that I'm not alone in my quandary. Each of these teams is apparently hateable enough (and to enough significant fan bases), that there are plenty of avid baseball fans out there who share my dilemma. Yet, no one seems to have a solution.

So, I decided to take it upon myself. After careful thought and meticulous revision (read: came up with on the can), Southern Aggression is proud to present "A Conflicted Fan's Guide to the 2009 World Series."

Basically, this boils down to a series of suggested activities to keep you invested in a series where you want both teams to lose, but have finally admitted to yourself that that just can't happen.

Step 1: World Series Drinking Game

I know, I know, not that original. But think, it's not like you want to remember these games past the 4th inning, anyway. You're going to be depressed no matter the outcome. Why handle that depression sober? For your drinking pleasure, I've gone ahead and compiled a list of rules, but feel free to add your own.

Pregame Rules: Take one drink for each of the following:
- number of inches Eric Karros' hair adds to his height (prediction: 3 ... unless he's sprucing it up for the Series, in which case I say 5, but all bets are off)
- each time Mark Grace uses clubhouse slang, to not a single viewer's benefit (extra drink if he butchers the slang because he can't include the corresponding expletives and isn't capable of adjusting on the fly)
- each time Chris Rose pumps the "Best Damn Sports Show, Period" (extra drink if he arrogantly shortens it to "Best Damn," as though it's ingrained in the American sports lexicon enough for that)

Game Production Rules: Take one drink for each of the following:
- shots of Minka Kelly
- shots of Kate Hudson (2 extra drinks for split screen of Kelly and Hudson ... which sounds like a formidable double play combo when you think about it)
- each time McCarver compares Jeter to someone in a different sport who has a "knack for the ball"
- each time McCarver takes 3 sentences to say something everyone already knew
- each time McCarver utters a ridiculous line that he clearly scripted beforehand (you know what, just drink everytime McCarver talks, it'll be better that way)
- Hardcore: each time Fox uses music better suited for a presidential inauguration (only for those with a high tolerance, as this happens in and out of every commercial break)

Gameplay Rules: Two drinks for each of the following:
- Johnny Damon home runs (as they should not still be happening)
- Ryan Howard intentional walks (as they should be happening much more)
- Hardcore: Pitching changes by Girardi

Special Rules:
- 3 drinks for every pie in the face given by Burnett or Swisher
- 3 drinks for every close-up of Ryan Howard (you'll need it)
- 3 drinks for every Cleveland Indians reference in Game 1 (5 if you're a Tribe fan)
- 3 drinks for every Brett Myers outing that lasts less than 2/3 of an inning (and a petition to Philly cops to station a patrol car outside the Myers residence)

Step 2: Start a Texting War ... That You Win!

This one, too, is pretty straight forward. Simply send taunting texts to both your Phillies and Yankees fan friends every time something bad happens to their team. So when Texeira pops out with runners on 2nd and 3rd, send your Yankee fan friend something along the lines of, "It's understandable. $23 million is just for the REGULAR season." Or, when Utley throws another ball in the stands, send "I don't care what they're paying you, you can't expect a guy to stand in their when Robinson Cano is bearing down on you."

The beauty is this. No matter what team wins, you win. When Friend A's team loses, you've been an integral part of his misery. And when Friend B's team wins, and he responds with a snarky comment of his own, you can simply respond, "Hey, I'm fine with this. I hate [Team A's team] anyway." You'll almost be able to feel the diminishing satisfaction he got from his gloating text. No matter what, you come out on top.

(One last text suggestion. Anytime Rivera enters the game, simply text the names of various 2001 Diamondbacks. You're crazy if you don't think a well-timed "Tony Womack" or "Luis Gonzalez" will send a chill up the spine of any Yankee fan).

Step 3: Cheer for the Umpires

And by cheer for the umpires, I mean cheer for them to keep up the level of umpiring that has graced the postseason to this point. Unfortunately for all of us disinterested fans, Tim McClelland and C.B. Bucknor will not be a part of the crew calling this year's Series. Their performances in the ALCS and the ALDS, respectively, earned each of them a seat on the couch for the Fall Classic.

Why should you cheer for umpiring mistakes, you ask? It's simple. What better way to further sour a loss for fans of a team you hate than a significantly contributing blown call? As the fan of teams that were victim to not one, but two historic officiating blunders, I can tell you that they only serve to worsen the pain (1997 NLCS Game 5 - Eric Gregg, God curse his soul, and the 2006 NBA Finals - Bennett Salvatore ... or Pat Riley, not sure who was actually making the calls).

It's one thing for your team to lose because the other team was better. It's entirely another to have your team lose because the supposed bipartisan arbitrator of the game decided to screw you over, personally, out of a deep rooted hatred for you and your entire family (I'm pretty sure that's what happens). You just can't get over it as easily. The '98 Padres kicked our ass. Fine. But the '97 Marlins, and the ever-bloating, and apparently financially unstable, Livan Hernandez waltzed their way to a World Series spot thanks in large part to a strike zone that extended to the first row.

It's just a lot harder to forget when it was someone other than your team screwing the pooch that led to your misery. And isn't this how we want fans of teams we hate feeling? If your answer isn't yes, you don't hate your sports enemy enough, which means you don't love your team enough, which means you're probably a Cubs fan.

Step 4: If Steps 1-3 Don't Work...

Watch the NBA. Tip off tomorrow night. Go Mavs!!

Ain't nothin' a little cash can't fix

Say what you want about Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry and Calvin Murphy; they at least had the decency to realize a multi-million dollar salary might provide an adequate opportunity to support a child.

Rick Pitino came to no such conclusion. After knocking up a girl he obviously wasn't married to (who has sex with their wife anymore?), and discovering her pregnancy, he volunteered the 3 G's it apparently takes these days to remove those pesky little consequences known as children that often follow from rampant sexual behavior.

Look, I know there are two sides to the abortion debate, and you can probably tell which side I'm on (in case there's any confusion, I'm a southern, conservative Christian who is generally happy to have been born and supports others being allowed a similar experience - you can do the math from here). But I'm also not blind to circumstances that make this choice a truly difficult and, perhaps at times, necessary one.

Regardless... no, wait.... IRregardless, I think we, as a society, can agree that fewer abortions are probably better, and if promises made to popes are to be believed (I'm Protestant, so I wouldn't know), then our President does, too. Hell, even if you're Justice Ginsburg, I don't think Rick Pitino's child falls into the population that "we" want less of.

Rick Pitino has all the resources imaginable to have given this child an upbringing and a start in life that only a privileged few in our country have the chance at. He is taking life into his own hands not because someone's health is at risk or because a woman was made, by threat, force or illegal coercion, to engage in sexual behavior. No, Pitino made this choice because it was, he thought at least, an easy way to avoid what would become the documented, public and breathing results from a stupid mistake.

Proud day for he and his family.... and any Cardinals fan that continues to cheer for him.

Show me the Money! Part II

So the sports leagues and the embarrassingly hypocritical NCAA are trying to block legislation put forth by my favorite Democrat, Delaware Governor Jack Markell, to legalize single-game sports betting at Delaware casinos. The leagues and the NCAA cite the "compromises honest competition" gripe as their reason for opposing gambling. Are they serious with that?


"There are so many unsavory characters out there. Good thing gambling on sports is illegal, otherwise these guys might be coming after our athletes, trying to get them to fix games. Thankfully, there's no alternative to legal sports gambling. Afterall, if you're willing to throw down thousands of money on the outcome of a game, you're probably only going to do it if you can file the winnings on a tax return."

Leagues, NCAA, do us all a favor and stop pretending that you have any motivation other than being the sole entities that benefit financially from your product. Just be content with your massive profits (which would only increase if sports gambling were opened to that small segment of the public who's only willing to gamble legally), and let me go to a sportsbook in Delaware. (Note: I have no intention of ever going to Delaware)

My thoughts on the legality of online gambling will have to wait for another day... and after I place my college football futures.

News and Notes...

-My prediction skills are outstanding. Notice that I made the poll to the right, and the Adam Jones option, before the All-Star Game. We here at SA would like to pass our congratulations to Angelos & Co. for the Orioles' biggest impact on October since Jeffrey Maier punked Tony Tarasco

- I think the Vikings should do us all a favor and have a 3-way steel cage wrestling match between Brett Favre, Tavaris Jackson, and Sage Rosenfels to decide who will be the starting quarterback.

- Then I think Michael Vick should run in from backstage as "Who Let the Dogs Out" plays

- Is watching this really going to be that much better than significantly cheaper - and much more legal - porn?

- The Braves retired Greg Maddux's number this week. Best clean pitcher of our generation. Not taking arguments. Only question for debate - is he the best righthander in history?

- A 59-year old was an 8-footer away from winning the British Open. We can all officially stop considering golf a real sport. Entertaining? Sure. Great way to spend a Sunday? No question. Sport? Hardly.

- I was genuinely depressed about the Mavericks missing out on a big Polish guy... The NBA... where desperation happens!

- I wish the Braves had a forced retirement policy in place. Something along the lines of, "When your sidearming setup man returns from elbow surgery, and you let him lead all of baseball in appearances, you must retire... and you're not getting a pension."

- Who all is with me in supporting a Hall of Fame nomination for Papa Molina? Or did he just get drunk before every game of catch and threaten corporal punishment if they missed any of his errant throws?

- Somehow, someway, in some distant galaxy, I presume, this happened. I know it's from a while back, but I still need someone to tell me what to think.